Being Okay With Being Alone

This year I have experienced a lot of internal growth and I want to take a second to write a letter to myself and also reflect on the past year.

If someone were to ask me what my biggest fear is I would probably give them a dumb cop out answer like being buried alive or drowning. However, if I’m being honest my biggest fear is being alone. This has been really destructive for me in the past because it would result in me allowing people to treat me however they want just so that I never had to face loneliness. All this leads to and has led to is being alone in the end because living like that is not sustainable.

There have been a number of different events that have occurred at the same time and have forced me to face my fears. In the past year I have outgrown friendships, lived through the pandemic and its forever effects on my life and society, transferred schools, etc. In all honesty I feel like I also outgrew myself. Stay with me here. I look back on myself from even a couple months ago and I cringe at the person I was. Even if I am different now in ways that aren’t that noticeable, it’s noticeable to me. I actually find pride in experiencing the cycle of shedding passed personalities.

Throughout all of these events, I accomplished many, many things. I have never been more successful and involved in school. I conquered navigating a new university. I put myself out there in numerous ways that I never imagined I could do before. And above all else, I became comfortable with being by myself. I found a way to truly believe that I don’t need others validation in order to be happy.

I still struggle with it to this day but that’s okay because each day is a new day of growth. The main factor has been helping my struggle with confidence. Confidence has never really come easy for me. While I have never had a problem with ~self-love~ (I really don’t like that word lol), I have never been able to be outwardly confident. This was my biggest flaw and gave way to me always trying to become clones of those around me. I would then develop a blind spot for seeing who they truly were.

It is kind of embarrassing to admit but I read something on social media that really put things into perspective. I think the whole main character way of living is honestly nonsense and an excuse for people to not listen to realistic criticism about themselves. However, when somebody said that if we focus too much on background characters in the story of our life we are ultimately wasting it, it resonated with me. I don’t want to be the girl that is also looking around anxiously hoping nobody notices her because to be noticed is to open yourself to being made fun of. I want to at least be able to live my life proudly and not care about every little opinion.

Another thing that helped was facing the brutal fact that being friends with someone only for the fear of being alone is not worth it. The truth is when things get tough they will abandon you without a second thought. In college no one really talks about how there is a certain kind of friendship that can be incredibly destructive if you’re looking for something meaningful. Most people will settle for surface level ‘friendships’ as long as you will go out with them on the weekends. If somebody is only available on the weekends, that’s not a friend, that is a drinking buddy. It fascinates me but a lot of people are okay with the facade of friendship as long as it looks good on social media. This also is not necessarily a horrible thing if you are happy with it.

Okay so what do I do with all of this time? I will now get into how I enjoy spending my time.

First things first, your environment is extremely important for protecting your peace. I have made my room my sanctuary, making it a point for it to remain clean and cute. I feel my happiest when my bed is made, anything but the overhead lights are on, I have a podcast on, my candle is lit, and I have my white noise machine playing. I think I’m addicted to white noise!!

Finding hobbies is also really important and it doesn’t have to be something major. I am a really creative person and so in my free time I will spend hours working on graphic design even if no one else ends up seeing it. If it makes me happy then it is worth it.

I believe it is also really important to be honest with yourself and connect with your thoughts and feelings. I do this all the time through prayer and reflection. It can also be as simple as taking a minute each day to reflect on how that day went and how it made you feel. The first step to enjoying alone time is allowing time to be vulnerable with yourself.

Getting into podcasts: there are a few that I’ll suggest that I love.

To fill your spiritual cup:

· Transformation Church: Pastor Michael Todd keeps me in check and always calls out any of my wrong behaviors. Incredibly passionate preaching that goes beyond a feel good Monday motivation message.

For your mental health:

· Anything Goes by Emma Chamberlain: Her podcast is like therapy to me. I swear by it and she calms my anxiety a ton when I am feeling overwhelmed. Really good for hot girl walks.

Pop Culture:

· The BFFs Podcast with Dave Portnoy, Josh Richards, and Brianna Chickenfry: I love their dynamic and perspectives on things happening in pop culture. They do a great job of summarizing each week’s past events.

· Brooke and Connor Make a Podcast: This one is new, but I can already tell I will be listening each week.

For Laughs:

· Tiny Meat Gang Podcast: If you know you know. I have been a devoted listener since the Insanely Chill days. This podcast never gets old, and they never ever miss an episode.

· PlanBri Uncut: Brianna Chickenfry’s own podcast. Whenever her and Grace are together it’s gold. Her Mental Health episode was actually super good to listen to.

Looking forward:

I really want to grow and develop even more as a person this year. I am going to focus on this especially in February. I’m not sure why I chose this month, but I am ready to become an even better version of myself. Somethings I am committing to are more time at the gym, really try to eat more fruits and vegetables, eat out less, read more/scroll less, learn to love school, focus more time on having fun, and take self-care seriously.

If you have read this far, I applaud you. Thank you for sticking around and I truly hope you enjoyed this article and find some inspiration from it. Leave a comment if you would like and let me know what you thought.

-Em